Welcome to my life

I kind of feel like i'm posting to myself,
had an awful day,
i'm so insecure i sometimes wish people could see through my confident outter and reassure me,
i want someone to understand and be there for me.

But as it is i've got to keep my secret life to myself, the pain i'm in, the way i want to break down in tears, the way i'm always so cold.

Today was just horrible, i''ve cried so much, i've been so cold all day its made me physically cry, i'm getting ill again, my hairs falling out more than ever, i know i need to take vitamins and my iron capsules (i'm anaemic) but i'm worried about the calories, how stupid am i, i can't even take some pills.

In class the teacher mentioned the government recommendation was 1 hour exercise three times a week, she asked how much we did and i lied through my teeth, i was worried how people would react when i tell them my daily exercise rituals which exceed an hour everyday, but now it seems stupid, no one cares how much i work.

Only managed to work off 400kcal today, failure.
Was forced to eat a lot, 500kcal easily, i want to scream, cry more and make myself sick.

I've really hurt my knee again, every part of me is weak, fat and pathetic, i've been told to stop exercising totally by the doctor, minimum walking, i can't stop now, this is everything that makes me up as a person, this is me, the constant calorie counting the obsessive exercising, without this i'm lost, i don't know who i am anymore.

My head is throbbing, my eyes are swollen making even my face resemble an huge pig.

I'm so sorry for this post, people here are worse off than me and i'm too self centered to think of them, i just needed to write this down, hope i wake up to some posts, i'd love to hear from you girls, sorry i couldn't do a positive post and thank you so much if you read this, it means a lot.

xxx